I literally just realized yesterday, that i didn't change and become a people pleaser + be so scared to be myself around others because people kept saying that i was the bad person of the situation, i just realized that i didn't fucking care at all about what other people thought of me, like, literally, at all. But then my mom, when i started to dress up in my style to go to school, when i started to do cosplays even outside of cons like idk, going to the park in cosplay, or even just laugh and have fun in my own way, she was always there, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, or judging me, she just kept looking at me as i was so fucking weird, and i got so fucking scared.
I obviously care about what my mom thinks, like..it's my MOM, i never cared about anyone's opinion, but hers? God i wish i didn't care. She makes me feel so bad, so wrong, she makes me feel like I'm wrong, even when i tell her something that happened during an hang out with a friend, thanks to my autism i tend to overexplain things and put details, and every time, she seems so bored, so almost annoyed, and sometimes she just ends up changing subject and saying that she's tired and wants to sleep, and when i point out that i didn't finish she just laughs and then says things like "next time remember me to not ask you if you had fun" like, ah, okay, thanks mom, i love you too🙂